~Autumn
Ranting and Raving

I'm not an angry person. I'd like to think that on most days I'm a pretty rational person. But like everyone else I have my buttons and got one of them pushed yesterday. For clarification, that was no euphamism for sex.

I do love Twitter, except for those occasions where people use it as their own personal chat room where others can see. So I was forced to witness a discussion that evoked an opinion from me.

My opinion is this: I never. ever. want to hear someone complain about babysitting. Ever.

Most of the complaining about babysitting I see is by young single women who do not have children of their own. I get that sometimes children are difficult. I also get that as parents, we tend to rely on the people we trust using them over and over again. However, if these girls don't want to babysit, they should just say so. This goes for anyone who accepts doing a favor for someone else. Don't do the favor and then complain about it. You accepted. The person asking for the favor more than likely did not point a gun at your head for said favor. So when these young girls complain, it pushes my button.

They don't understand. They don't get it. And they probably won't until they have two children ages 3 & 5 and it's the 3 year old's nap time, and you have run out of the 5 year old's juice (the only liquid in the world the child will drink) and the child is thirsty. So they take them to the store, and the 5 year old runs away, the 3 year old starts crying in the cart and they think "If only I had a babysitter for 30 minutes."

That's when they'll get it. I don't want to go into a story resembling walking to school uphill both ways in 10 ft of snow, but I would have a carrier with a 12lb baby in one hand, a 25lb 18 month old on the other hip and go to the store. After that, I would come home make dinner, clean up, and then start on homework for college courses. They won't understand that anything beyond going to the bathroom requires strategic planning that could fail at any second during any mission.

I guess it pisses me off because I've been guilted and shamed into not asking for help. For not asking for a babysitter when I could use a night out with my husband or an afternoon to myself or with a friend. I know how it feels to get the icy looks upon returning when the kids have been difficult and the brush off when it's apparent our company isn't wanted anymore. It sucks to know that help comes at a price. I would rather someone be honest with me and tell me that they didn't really want to take my kids instead of the alternative.

So the next time you agree to do a favor for a friend, whether its babysitting, or something entirely different, please don't accept unless you really don't mind. You never know, you may need a favor someday in return.
~Autumn
Wow.

Really? I haven't written up a post since last October?

I can't believe it's been that long!

Would you believe that nothing's changed?

It's true. Nothing has changed.

The kids are doing well. The older two are still in school (obviously) and doing well. The big kid gets rough and rowdy sometimes, but he's a boy. They'll do that. My older daughter is still in her own little world, but she's moving right along doing the best she can. The baby (who will be FOUR in May) is such a little character. I'd love to put her in some Preschool right now if it didn't cost me money.

The Husband person is still driving for a living. He stays out 2-3 weeks at a time and actually didn't come home at all between Thanksgiving and Christmas last year. But because of load schedules and truck troubles he got extended time at home just after New Year's.

Because I'm a single (see above paragraph) I'm still home with the kids instead of working. I haven't had a job since 2005, and not that I'm proud of the fact, but each day farther will make it harder for me to get a job once I do seek employment. So with my time I've been writing. I've been reading and writing and reading and writing some more. The writing I'm doing now I call practice. I don't know if I'll turn any of those ideas into something later, but I do hope to publish something... someday. But for now, I'm happy with trying to hone my craft and develop my style.

I'm still learning guitar and eventually I hope to write some songs too.

I'm taking advantage of this time to be creative because I think that I'm largely a creative spirit. But someday (like when said children want cars and graduations) I'm going to have to return the working world killing that vibe. Okay, maybe not killing but stunting it a great deal.

So, like I said, I'm not up to much. I'm on Facebook, and LOVE to Twitter so leave me a note if you're interested in looking me up there. Who ever reads this, I hope this finds you happy healthy and ready to tackle 2010.
~Autumn
Waking when September Ends

Holy crow! Where did September go?!?

It's now a few days into October and that's just nuts. I really did have a good September as I got the kids into a nice routine for school. I also went to a concert at The House of Blues and had a night out with the girls. The down sides being Mikey was home a total of 3 days for the entire month, and really didn't get more miles for his trouble.

Since my last post, things are considerably better. I think I'm coming up with a new game plan. The game plan I've had just hasn't been working the past few years. Yes, I mean years. I graduated college two years ago come this January. As much as I like to think that we are in control of our own lives, of our own destinies... I also think that there are times where things won't happen no matter how much you want them to. Maybe it's cosmic forces, maybe it's our own subconsciouses setting us up for failure, maybe someone elses' plan just takes presidence over yours mucking up your plans. Whatever the case may be, stripping down and looking at all options is about the only thing you can do.

I've decided to not become a nurse. I'm not going to try to save up the money I'll never have to take state boards. I probably wouldn't pass if I tried taking it again. It's been too long. Realistically, it's just been too long and I'm not in the know to find out if there have been changes in the standards. So, the new game plan is to go to graduate school. I did graduate with honors with a bachelor's degree and I'm looking at a few programs having to do with Psychology since that is definitely the field I'm interested in, and where I would have been headed had I become a RN. Planning is in the early stages, but I like this change in plan. I can do something now. I'm not just waiting. I'm moving forward and that's all I ever really wanted anyway.

Anyway, enough about me. The kids are doing well in school. However, an interesting note is that they've done away with the traditional A,B,C standard of grading. Now, for each subject is a list of objectives. The grades come in forms of 3-mastered objective 2-needs improvement 1-no understanding of objective. For example an object for my son is recognizing setting in a story. So far his evaluations of this are 2 bordering on 1 because he just wasn't getting it. So instead of this being reflected in his overall reading score as a B, I get a chance to re-teach my kid this particular objective. Nice huh? Well, we took a lot of his favorite stories and movies and discussed setting and I think he understands. When I asked him the setting of Star Wars he said "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..." ... Of course.

I think in the next day or two I'll discuss my concert at The House of Blues and new artists/albums that have been the soundtrack of my fall so far.
~Autumn
One refuge.


This is the one place I've got. Okay, not one. But the one place that's mine that I can say whatever I want. There's no family members, no husbands, no friends from high school, friends from college, any of my teachers... This is just... me. How can I complain about people without them seeing? How can I send out a snarky status message intended for one person without 50 other people asking about it?

So I'm here.

I'm just angry. defeated. frustrated. lost. Insert anyone of those.

I thought I would be okay. As long as I had my anchor I would be okay. I'm not even sure my anchor is there anymore.

I'm not sure what I did wrong. Was it a domino effect? One bad choice after the other that got me here? Did I really have the power of choice all those choices ago? Does that really make me who I am today? Am I even sorry about it?

I am a stay at home mom of three children today. My husband is hardly ever home, so I get to be mom AND dad 85% of the time. I think being here for my kids is a respectable choice. Does it mean that everything I've worked for toward a career is flushed down the toilet? I don't think so.

Apparently everyone else does.

No one else sees the big picture.

I do.

It seems if I'm not earning a wage I'm wasting away. That's funny... because 30-40 years ago... no one would have batted an eyelash at my choice.

The ironic thing is... the one person who I thought was supporting my decision all along... isn't. I'm not the person I used to be, he says.

*snort* No shit.

And it's not like I've tried looking for work, because I have. The economy sucks. In my career I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, a catch-22, if you will.

Still, It seems I've blown my chances. I don't think I have... but talk to any one of those real life peoples and they would tell you I had great potential.

I have great potential. I also have three kids. So exuse me if I don't want my drunk mother taking care of my kids. Excuse me if I don't let my husband's mother, who also let her husband beat the shit out of my husband and his brother, watch my kids.

I'll fuck up my own kids, thank you very much. And I'll continue to take care of the meals, the laundry, the mail, the bills, sign all the school forms, help the kids with homework, get the van fix on little to no cash, patch over the plumbing/electric/cosmetic damage when I don't think the landlord needs to be called... I will do all that. And if they want to keep on judging me... fine.

Screw them. No one is any better off than I am.